Never Call A Proctologist to Rebuild Your Carburetor

Why You Never Call A Proctologist to Rebuild Your Carburetor

To all my Pinko Commie Union Member Intellectual Libtard Fellow-Traveller Journalistic Eastern Elite Bernie-Loving Not Nazi Pals. We’re Losers and We Need a Fresh Pitch to Sell the Goods.

You need tires and beer and shoes. Without them, life is difficult and uncomfortable.

So step right up, Citizen, and allow me to state my genuine case direct to your heart. Tires, beer and shoes are an easy sell, and thus, selling those goods depends on painting a pretty picture. It’s a case, if you will, for the Surface of Things being the Arbiter of Value.

But what vicious alchemy gets involved when you sell something really crucial to a truly comfortable life; something like a political philosophy, like a plan for a working democracy? At the moment, that recipe has to do with making certain you go straight Hanna Arendt on their TLDR asses. Without a clear and present danger – an enemy dipped in the pure, filthy grease of evil – you, as a political operative, have no way forward.

Once that baseline’s been set down in stone, a baseline for defining The Other and The Enemy and The Not Like Me, the sales pitch can proceed from there. And as with all great pitches, the key to success lies in language constructs. Tires are not just “rubber,” they are “multi-belted, scientifically proven, American Made.” Their “varied shoulder pitch designed to reduce road harmonics to ensure a quieter ride,” and “nationwide warranty” characteristics can be exploited to deliver the sock straight to the kisser: making the customer leery and queasy about “inexpensive, imported tires.”

Now we know the enemy. Inexpensive, Imported Tires. Within that little piece of poetry lies the gut-wrenching message which can be inserted into the solar plexus of the rube before us. Fear sells tires.

And, to get straight at the crux, Pretty Sells Beer? Does hope sell shoes? America Sells Tires.

But here’s the showdown, Mr. Liberal Elite. You can’t sell a Rube Like Me without a big, shiny, bright-colored wagon or a slick-looking leather suitjacket and pantaloons. No sir, I will not listen to your drivel unless you’re under a day’s drive from my trailer or willing to provide me a boner on the tee-vee box. And your big verbiatin’ cuts no wool with me once you start gummin’ away about “diversity” and “e-quality” and other such Commie Nonsense. And my vote counts evver bit as big as yours, Jackleg. You can’t reach me with some damn robo-ringing hand-picture phone call-in. Not one fucking chance, Roosevelt. You’ll need to swing by my house and raise a shot glass with me on the front porch. And this “polling” bidness? If you call me on the phone or front up on me in church on Sunday, you’ll hear what you want to hear as I have not time nor the inclination to piss off the wife with loose, mean talk and scare the parishioners with my full-goose drunken self.

I just want to know you can read real fine, write up a couple of laws that seem to make a lick of sense (and that I will refuse to hew up to). Those laws are a damn fine idea for the neighbors -they can’t hold their liquor worth a damn. Here’s what I need from Political Types. Count the beans. Tell me what I owe on the tab to keep a nice lawn and a proper gymnasium at the school. Make sure evver man has a chance to do good and make enough stinking lucre to feed the wife and kids a chicken dinner with potatoes and bread of an evening. Hold tight to the principles of this land like that freedom of speech deal and make Every Man a King. Keep your greasy fingers out of the public til and keep your dick or your lady parts in your drawers. Stop yer lecturing and make things like tapwater and roads to everywhere work. Kick a rich thief harder than a poor one and deposit both weevils in a place where they can find common ground and cheese sandwiches what will make them fast repent and get back out in the Here and Now for a burger and a cold beer. Close your eyes to color. Give a man from Ireland or Iceland or Rwanda or New Delhi a fair shot until he craps out on his own.

“For goodness sake,” Arendt once said, “we didn’t need Hitler to know that the Nazis were our enemies. We also knew that a large number of Germans were behind him. That could not shock us in 1933.”

Done. Baseline established. But now it gets thick and deep.

If your job is to sell a political philosophy, you’ve got no chance if you head directly into some explanation of “governing principles” or “building a better tomorrow.” Those gambits lack style. They lack the proper agony. They take too long to explain. Reading, even thinking, may well be required. Americans hate homework more than they hate running out of beer, leaky shoes in a rainstorm and stuff puncturing their tires.

So on to the GoPac Memo, a little right-wing ditty which once topped the charts and has yet to be matched by any tune scratched out on a ukelele from the left.

In that scribble, one Newt Gingrich filled in the treble clef with a set of what he called Optimistic Positive Governing Words and for the bass clef, he went with Contrasting Words. He played one set with his right hand and the other with his left, and once they’d heard the tune, the rubes gathered round a-holdin’ hands and singing along in a unified choir.

Per Gingrich:

“Use the list below to help define your campaign and your vision of public service. These words can help give extra power to your message. In addition, these words help develop the positive side of the contrast you should create with your opponent, giving your community something to vote for!”

share, change, opportunity, legacy, challenge, control, truth, moral, courage, reform, prosperity, crusade, movement, children, family, debate, compete, active(ly), we/us/our, candid(ly), humane, pristine, provide, liberty, commitment, principle(d), unique, duty, precious, premise, care(ing), tough, listen, learn, help, lead, vision, success, empower(ment), citizen, activist, mobilize, conflict, light, dream, freedom, peace, rights, pioneer, proud/pride, building, preserve, pro-(issue): flag, children, environment; reform, workfare, eliminate good-time in prison, strength, choice/choose, fair, protect, confident, incentive, hard work, initiative, common sense, passionate

And because those words represent deep, caring conceptual building blocks of goodness all Liberals hate, success was on the blue horizon.

And so now for the bass line. Those Contrasting Words – that sorrowful left hand contrapuntal dirge.

Again, Citizen Gingrich:

“Often we search hard for words to define our opponents. Sometimes we are hesitant to use contrast. Remember that creating a difference helps you. These are powerful words that can create a clear and easily understood contrast. Apply these to the opponent, their record, proposals and their party.”

decay, failure (fail) collapse(ing) deeper, crisis, urgent(cy), destructive, destroy, sick, pathetic, lie, liberal, they/them, unionized bureaucracy, “compassion” is not enough, betray, consequences, limit(s), shallow, traitors, sensationalists, endanger, coercion, hypocricy, radical, threaten, devour, waste, corruption, incompetent, permissive attitude, destructive, impose, self-serving, greed, ideological, insecure, anti-(issue): flag, family, child, jobs; pessimistic, excuses, intolerant, stagnation, welfare, corrupt, selfish, insensitive, status quo, mandate(s) taxes, spend (ing) shame, disgrace, punish (poor…) bizarre, cynicism, cheat, steal, abuse of power, machine, bosses, obsolete, criminal rights, red tape, patronage.

Or this if you will for the melody:

We’ll drink, a drink, a drink,
To Lily the Pink, the Pink, the Pink,
The saviour of the human race.
For she invented Medicinal Compound,
Most efficacious in ev’ry case.

So here’s my Pitch For Tomorrow:

“It’s time to share with people who don’t like to read, change some minds by listening in earnest to mumbled crap we disagree with, take the opportunity to hold hands with frightened people, leave a legacy we won’t be ashamed of, challenge our own preconceptions, control our loathing, make truth an open question, be moral in the widest possible way, have a little courage to go where people like guns, understand that reform takes a lick of time, define prosperity outside our comfort zone, crusade for anyone who’s afraid of tomorrow, lead a listening barstool movement, teach our children to think for themselves, hang tight with your family, debate without spitting on the other guy, compete for the hearts and minds of your Fellow Americans, active(ly) shut the fuck up, we/us/our is the litany, candid(ly) espouse your real hurt, be humane, appreciate the pristine, provide for all, love liberty, live commitment, be principle(d), be less unique, feel duty in your guts, don’t be so precious, understand your premise before you start yammering, there is no shame in care(ing), be tough, listen like you mean it, learn because you should, help without comment, lead by example, have a vision, treat success like you do failure, know that empower(ment) means not one damn thing to the helpless, be a damn citizen, be a quiet activist, mobilize one voter at a time, know you can’t avoid conflict, make light, dream and then recall your dreams when you awake, preserve freedom, hope for peace, stop whinging about your rights, be a pioneer, know that proud/pride talk is little comfort, keep building, preserve your core, always be pro-(issue) when you hear loose talk: flag, children, environment; reform, workfare, eliminate good-time in prison, have strength, provide choice/choose, be fair, protect the weak, be confident, provide incentive, know it won’t stop with hard work, take the initiative, exercise common sense, remain passionate.”

Signing off from A Flyover State…